IT IS MY FIRST YEAR ARCHEOLOGY CLASS AND I HAVE STILL NOT BEEN. MAYBE I CAN JUST PRETEND I HAVE BEEN ON IMPORTANT ARCHEOLOGY MISSIONS WITH INDIANA JONES. I KNOW A LOT ABOUT INDIANA JONES SO I COULD PROBABLY LIE ABOUT IT CONVINCINGLY. WHEN THE PROF IS ALL LIKE "KELLEN INDIANA JONES IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER I WILL LOOK HIM INTENSLY IN THE EYES FOR A SECOND AND THEN DRAMATICALLY ROLL MY EYES, THEN A GIRL FROM THE CLASS WILL BE LIKE "LOOK OUUUUUUT" AND THE T.A WILL TRY TO SHOOT ME AND I WILL RUN OUT OF THE CLASSROOM.
DUN DUN NA NAA DUN DUN NAAAAAA.
FUCK...
I GOTTA GO ON MONDAY OR I'LL SHOOT MYSELF IN THE FACE.
I WOULD HAVE BEEN ON TIME EXCEPT I WAS AN HOUR LATE WHICH NORMALLY IS FINE BUT THIS CLASS DOESN'T HAVE ANY TUTORIALS AND THE CLASSES ARE ONLY AN HOUR LONG. FIRST YEAR SUCKS SO HARD.
ALSO, IF ANYONE KNOWS OF ANY SPACES OPEN IN ANY CLASSES I WOULD LIKE TO BE IN A CLASS SO I CAN GRAD.
so i'm in first year university again. i can't get any of the classes i want because i forgot that first year classes are hard to get into and didn't register for any. i cannot stress enough that this basically feels exactly like being in first year university and i hate it. it is breaking my mind.
so basically i have two options for getting classes and getting out of school as quickly as possible without going completely insane;
a) beg and cry until professors let me into their class or
b) take whatever i can that will enable me to graduate regardless of the content of the course and tell everyone in those classes that i am a first year university student so that i can at least get a little bit of amusement out of dirt class or canada until confederation or whatever i'm probably going to end up begin stuck with.
i should explain that the reason i think the two are mutually exclusive is that because in option bitching that i'm a fifth year is going to be an important part of getting into the class.
my mom bought me an expensive peice of cheese. i picked it out. when i went to eat it, it was too smokey it tasted like smoked fish. normally i like the taste of strong cheeses, but the smokeyness in this particular gouda seemed artificial.
rainforest crisps on the other hand, are delicious.
the ones i have now would probably go better with a really strong goat cheese. i am so over any smokey cheese that isn't a cheddar.
muslix corn nuts 3 twizzlers a bottle of water 4 m&m's
the second thing
I DECIDED THAT I NEED TO APPLY MYSELF TO THINGS THIS IS WHAT I DECIDED TO APPLY MYSELF TO IT IS A LIST OF THINGS I ENJOY RIGHT NOW
creating new foods out of existing combinations of mcdonalds food watching the larry sanders show the ricky gervais podcast american spirit all natural cigarettes (additive free) going to the ocean at night seinfeld sparkling water salads garlic
if i think of any that i missed i'll just ad them in as comments.
also, i'm contemplating a switch to blogspot just because i'm sick of having to change the date ahead 3 years every time i want to make an entry.
if you are a boy and you die, when you get to heaven, heaven is a giant fight between decepticons, the army, and the autobots. then, as soon as you realise what's going on, someone hands you a cube and tells you to get it away from the decepticons and two autobots turn and look at you to say "we'll protect you kellen".
I feel it is appropriate that I address the recent influx of angry mail I have received in the week that has passed since the writing of my editorial entitled “Dancing? Really?” I have chosen to place my response in my section, rather than the opinions section, because frankly, this situation is funnier than anything else anyone could possibly draw or write. Remember in the movie Breakin’ where Ozone and Turbo are the victims of prejudice from members of the traditional dance community that hate street dancing? Well, that’s sort of how I feel, except not I’m a street dancer. I just feel like you are probably the same kind of prejudiced people that are portrayed in the above-mentioned cinematic gem.
(For those of you that are just joining us, here’s what’s going on; I wrote an editorial last week, and somehow it offended EVERY member of the dance community across Canada. It was meant to compare a degree in dancing to the hypothetical idea of a degree in football. In the past week I have received e-mails from infuriated individuals who, for whatever reason, care what I write in The Peak.)
I didn't want to address any of this at first, because frankly, I think it’s silly. But I am in utter disbelief at how shallow the dance community seems to be. Can none of you laugh at yourselves at all? Do you never have days where you wake up and think to your self, “This is a little ridiculous, but I love it, so I'm going to keep on doing it.” I go through that as a filmmaker all the time.
I happen to think dance is just as worthy of a degree as any other fine art. That’s why I went out of my way to be self-deprecating in the first paragraph of my article. I shouldn’t have to tell anyone ostensibly intelligent enough to be enrolled in university that I don’t — actually — think a line should be arbitrarily drawn to exclude dance. I just think it’s a valuable question to ask that if we give degrees for dance, why not football? Don't you think that's something that dancers should be prepared to answer?
I never meant to undercut the amount of work dancers put into their art form or the validity of it. But I'm amazed at how hostile the reaction has been. Apparently the dance community isn't prepared to be challenged by anyone . . . Which reflects poorly on them, and draws even more attention to the possibility that maybe what they do is a bit of a wank.
Perhaps the most baffling aspect of this entire debacle is that very few of the responses have actually addressed my article. They have simply taken for granted that I consider myself an expert on dance, or that I worship sports, or project equally ridiculous qualities onto me. Most consistently, the people that have written in have demonstrated an incredibly off-putting sense of elitism. It seems to be a unanimous sentiment among dancers that there is no complexity to sports. I find this sentiment disturbing. I think one of the biggest challenges we face as young artists is how to take ourselves seriously without perpetuating the stereotypical elitism that has off-put people from being able to enjoy art for centuries.
Let’s not kid ourselves here. The reaction to my article was completely uncalled for. If anyone was ever legitimately concerned that the humour editor at The Peak could actually affect the university curriculum I think we’d have a much bigger problem on our hands. The school would be offering degrees in disciplines like, “How to be Awesome,” “Shotgunning Beers,” and “The Awesomeology of Shotgunning Beers.”
As for those of you that have tried to paint me as a philistine, I guess you’re right, because I admittedly don’t enjoy watching dance. I have never found it engaging, but I have always acknowledged its history and importance. I don’t think it is valuable to make high-art / low-art distinctions among fans and critics in any art community. I guess I’m just too hung up on low-culture artists like Picasso, Stravinsky, and Kurosawa to be able to appreciate something as complex as dance.
The opinions expressed in this letter, which is placed firmly within the realms of the humour section, do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the film program or the film student union, or The Peak, or even for that matter the author himself. Those that write in to respond to this letter are advised to keep in mind that they are responding to a piece in which the author includes the phrase, “The Awesomeology of Shotgunning Beers.”
why is toshiro mifune so awesome? will i ever be as awesome as toshiro mifune? please show me the way internet. i know you don't have all the answers but maybe, just maybe you have this one.
i want to wander around in my sandals and eat rice bowls and hit people with swords and keep cigarettes in my little samurai pouch. that is the best possible life that i can think of.
this is the best music video ever made. seriously, its like everything thats good about crunk, g unit, and james cameron rolled up into a nice little package.
when i try to understand how they came up with the concept i imagine a guy writing down the following treatment.
LIL SCRAPPY IS BEING ARRESTED NEXT TO A FENCE. HE IS LOOKING INTO THE CAMERA LIKE HE IS SUPER THOUGHTFUL AND SAD, BUT NOT EVEN ABOUT BEING ARRESTED IN GENERAL, JUST LIKE HIS WISDOM IS A BURDEN. THEN HE IS ALL LIKE, YOU FUCK THIS SHIT AND HE HOPS OVER THE FENCE AND THE COPS CHASE HIM.
THERE ARE SOME DUDES WITH AN "AWESOME LOWRIDER" LIL SCRAPPY STRAIGHT UP JUST STEALS IT AND THE GUYS ARE ALL LIKE "YO WHAT?"
HE DRIVES THROUGH ONE OF THOSE SWEET TUNNELS LIKE IN TERMINATOR 2 AND THEN THE COP CAR EXPLODES.
SOME SKATE KIDS SKATE BUY AND THEY'RE LIKE WOAH!
THEN SOME HELICOPTERS COME AND START TO FOLLOW THE CAR AND HE DRIVES INTO SOME WATER TO LOSE THE COPS THEN RUNS INTO AN UNDERGROUND PART.
LIL JOHN PULLS INTO THE FRAME IN A SWEET ASS BLACK LAMBORGHINI. HE HAS A LOOK ON HIS FACE THAT IS ALL LIKE "SHI-I-I-I-I-IT" PLUS HE LOOKS TOTALLY SWEET IN SWEET SUNGLASSES.
THE SWEET ASS LAMBORGHINI GOES WAY FUCKING FASTER THAN THE HELICOPTER SO THIS TOTALLY BAD ASS COP JUST DIVES OUT AND STARTS HOOFING IT HARDCORE STYLE.
LIL JOHN AND LIL SCRAPPY PULL UP IN A NICE COMMUNITY AND THEY HAVE FINALLY MADE IT FREE OF THE COPS. AS SOON AS THE SWEET ASS LAMBORGHINI PULLS OUT WE SEE THE TOTALLY BAD ASS COP AGAIN JUMP OUT OF A TREE AND HE STARTS RUNNING. LIL SCRAPPY RUNS AWAY AND THEY BOTH RUN INTO A FRENCH GUY WHOS ALL LIKE
"WHAT THE HECK? I AM SO FRUSTRATED CAUSE I JUST GOT RUN INTO BY DUDES WHO ARE WAY COOLER THAN ME"
THEN LIL SCRAPPY GOES PAST A POOL, HE RUNS RIGHT PASS THIS REALLY HOT CHICK WHOS LIKE LATIN OR SOMETHING AND SHES ALL DRIPPING WITH WATER AND THEN LIL SCRAPPY JUST KNOCKS HER RIGHT IN LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
THEN THE COP DUDE COMES AND LIL SCRAPPY MAKES HIM FALL IN THE POOL AND THEN THROWS A DECK CHAIR AT HIM.
THEN THEY DO SOME SWEET JUMPS OVER FENCES SOME MORE (LIKE THOSE PARKER GUYS) AND THEN FINALLY LIL SCRAPPY RUNS INTO A HOUSE WITH THIS TOTALLY SWEET LIKE ASIAN CHICK WITH BIG BOOBS AND A SEXY OUTFIT OR SOMETHING, BUT SHE DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING CAUSE SHES SO HOT FROM WHAT A BAD ASS LIL SCRAPPY IS, AND THEN THIS TOTALLY CREEPY BLACK DUDE WHOS LIKE A PIMP OR SOMETHING AND YOU CAN TELL HE'S PRETTY SCARY BUT LIL SCRAPPY DOESN'T EVEN CARE AND HE JUST BREAKS THE WINDOW AND RUNS OUT OF THE FRAME AND THE COP RUNS AFTER HIM.
WE END ON A SHOT OF THE PIMP AND THE HOT ASIAN BABE BEING ALL LIKE "WOAH" LOOKING OUT THE BROKEN WINDOW.
ALSO WE'LL INTERCUT SOME SCENES OF SCRAPPY AND JOHN RAPPING IN LIKE A SWEET UNDERGROUND GANG HANG OUT.
also i seriously do think the guy wrote the treatment in all caps.
i went out with sean tonight after class, what started as a single pitcher turned into three when sean's friend arrived. the closing of the bar only inspired us to seek out another tavern. upon leaving the first bar, i went through what might be simultaneously the most amazing and most depressing thought process of my life, as seans friend wondered whether or not the cops new he was drunk and were watching him get into his car.
the thought process went as follows:
man, i want to smoke, but i should probably wait because we'll be at the other bar soon
wait, i have to budget these cause i only have two smokes left
oh, no wait actually i am good i have basically a full pack in my bag.
good thing i got those.
wait a second...
my bag...
oh shit where's my bag, fuck my smokes i just lost my laptop and my external HD at the bar
then i went back to the bar and found them
then we parked seans friend's tuck in kind of a sketchy area with lots of hookers around (the classy dowtown kind not the trashy hastings kind) and for a second i was worried that my bag would be stolen out of the truck until i realised it was guarded by natures defence system: hookers.
i finished shooting my movie, i think things will turn out pretty awesome.
also i am sad because i am out of money, such a short amount of time ago i had so many dollars, now i have fifty cents and a 250 dollar overdraft. so really, i have negative 249.50. that is less money than most homeless people.
i should have three hundred in pay checks to cover the difference but i left them on a desk in the peak office and some dude completely cleaned that shit up...
they told me i could not have new checks and i told them that was illegal and they got kind a disgusted look on their face. anyways, i think they will get the money to me but i will probably just have to wait. i definitely get dollars from work this week so that will be sweet. im just going to be pretty bummed until friday.
i am morning the loss of my money as if it were a deceased person.
DOES ANYONE WANT TO BUY ANY OF MY STUFF OR TRADE IT FOR SMOKES?
today i was looking for something in my room and i found a peice of paper that told me i had to appear for jury duty on the 5th of september. it explained that if i failed to do so, i would face time in jail and a 2000$ fine.
i became nervous, and phoned the number provided on my court summons. i explained to the sheriff that i had lost the summons and didn't think i had been due to appear until much later. he then looked up my summons number and said "oh, we actually forgot to keep track of who showed up that day, so you're off the hook. make a note in your calendar next time.
so its basically like nothing even happened, because i forgot about jury duty, and five minutes after i was reminded that i had missed it, i found out there was not going to be any consequences. still, it is basically the closest i have ever come to having to go to jail.
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